Episode 30: Creating A New Container with Dr. Matthew Zanis

relationships Feb 22, 2021

Creating A New Container with Dr. Matthew Zanis 

Kendall: Another episode of Soul Saturations, the podcast we are getting ready to close up our four part series with Dr. Matthew Zanis

Matt: I think we both needed to realize not only the gifts that we have as individuals, but the gift of our relationship and what we have together. And that would not have been possible without hitting some level of rock bottom

Kendall: Well, and I think that's when we get into these dark nights of the soul, right. Where we feel like, how am I going to get out of this? I think when we are in that point of low, it does, it, it literally pulls us all the way down into the ground to say, how am I going to survive? And that's where we get to make a choice and how we rise above it and how we move forward, um, after some of those experiences. I know for me, it was definitely that catalyst that I needed, the hurt, the pain, the fear, the worry, all of that really was the catalyst to, as you say, give the gift of consciousness and awareness of, wow, look at what we do have and look at what I as an individual have.

Matt: I think that we're both very similar in that regard of, it's very easy for us to be alone and say that we're independent because we are so strong individuals apart from each other is that we can make work. And, uh, at the end of the day, at least for me, I'll speak for myself with this one is that it was way more comfortable for me to just be alone because I can control it. I thought that I wanted freedom. That's what I was searching for was freedom in that moment. What I realized throughout that whole entire process is that it wasn't necessarily, going to achieve through solidarity. I was to achieve freedom through love and that's what you showed me or I realized.

Kendall: I love that idea of freedom through love. And you know, I think when we look at where lots of people are just to kind of honor the journey of where others are, it's sometimes easier to say, well, I can be alone. I'm so strong. I have such rigid ideals and beliefs that it's hard to open that up and surrender to what it's like to be with another person.  I think you and I talked about this on our hike, um, over the weekend was it w it was really that surrender of control when we try so intently and to control every little element of every aspect of our life. That's where we're innately, doubting the divine. We're doubting that bigger plan that has got it all figured out. Of course, we have free will to be able to make that choice, but when we can trust our intuitive guidance and lean into the present moment and surrendering into just trust things, work out so much easier. I think that's really where I am so passionate about partnership and us re-establishing this container, but also being able to help guide other people is when you can put your partnership as the priority, and you can surrender into that intuitive pleasure and support of one another, everything else can be so much easier. Should you choose to surrender to it?

Matt: It seems to be the common theme throughout this entire series has been this, idea of choice. Right? And I think one of the biggest lessons that I learned is that I do have the choice in every single moment to either make myself a better man, a better human or to succumb to the level of victim hood. Nobody's perfect and it's okay to fall into that level of victim hood of, you know, blaming everybody else for your problems. It's in that moment though, do you have the conscious awareness, the ability to take yourself out of it and ask yourself the question, how can I move on past this now that I'm here?

I think one of the most impactful one is, is where am I not honoring respecting myself, because I could not ever respect you or respect their relationship. And I didn't respect myself first and honor myself first in the beginning. And that's something that I had a misconception about.

I mean, it's innately within me as the healer, but I will essentially, give everybody else my time, my love and my energy and never leave any for myself.

Kendall: I think as we look at what some of the key things are that we needed to re-establish this container, re-establish the foundations of our container. I think one of the key things was to be able to make space for ourselves as individuals.

I think the foundation of that is communication. I think whether it's through our daily interactions of uninterrupted intimacy or playful midday, sex snacks, to just general love making an energetic expression, we need to be communicating what we need. And I think it is a combination of that conscious awareness for your, to be able to recognize where your partner is at. it's also giving yourself permission to communicate what you need. Cause I know there's been a lot of times where I've been really stuck in my brain really in that masculine energy.  I'll say, I'm so in my head, I need you to help get me back into my body. Like I just need you to hold me. I just need you to anchor in that energy. And that gives space to drop in and surrender where, you know, permission to those that naturally feel more aligned with the masculine energy.

Matt: I think that the person receiving that communication needs to be secure enough to realize that they're not asking you for their wants, needs and desires. I know personally, like I would sometimes feel a little insecure when you were telling me what to do, essentially, but it's not like you're telling me you were asking. 

What I'm hearing you say is that once again, the communication needs to be equally shared from both parties. And that's why we have our stated relationship communication every Monday night is to feel into what things are going well in the relationship, what things we feel like we could work on.

Kendall: The foundation of trust is always there. Non-judgment, it is a safe container for us to fully express whatever is coming up for us. And it gives us the container to pour energy into that.

One of the things that I know I coach my people on all the time is reflect on your purpose of why you're having this conversation, why this thing is important to you, your intentions, and how you want to go about it, and what is your desired impact and what are those results. I think when we can create that space to reflect on things, it is going to limit the defensiveness because now we've actually thought through the whole 360 degree viewpoint and perspective, and we've anchored into the intuitive feelings of what that is and what that looks like.

During today's episode we talk about:

  • How did Kendall and Matt's rock bottom allow them to realize the gifts they have together?
  • Why it's not helpful to try and control everything in your life? 
  • When and why should you make partnership a priority? 
  • How to recognize when you are ready to move past a particular moment? 
  • What were the key things they needed in order to re-establish their container and the foundations of their container? 
  • Why it's important to also re-establish your individual container and make space for growth?
  • How to communicate more effectively?

Memorable Moments:

  • "I think we both needed to realize not only the gifts that we have as individuals, but the gift of our relationship and what we have together. And that would not have been possible without hitting some level of rock bottom" Matt
  • "Well, and I think that's when we get into these dark nights of the soul, right. Where we feel like, how am I going to get out of this? I think when we are in that point of low, it does, it, it literally pulls us all the way down into the ground to say, how am I going to survive? And that's where we get to make a choice and how we rise above it and how we move forward, um, after some of those experiences." -Kendall
  • " It seems to be the common theme throughout this entire series has been this, idea of choice. Right? And I think one of the biggest lessons that I learned is that I do have the choice in every single moment to either make myself a better man, a better human or to succumb to the level of victim hood." -Matt
  • "I think as we look at what some of the key things are that we needed to re-establish this container, re-establish the foundations of our container. I think one of the key things was to be able to make space for ourselves as individuals." -Kendall

Connect with Matt:

  • Instagram: @rootedinmvmt
  • Online: https://rooted-in-mvmnt.mykajabi.com 

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K

If you loved this episode I’d deeply appreciate you subscribing and leaving a 5 star review and please share this with someone who will resonate with this episode today!
 
Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

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