Episode 29: Making Space for Clarity

relationships Feb 15, 2021

Making Space for Clarity 

Kendall: There's always an opportunity for us to get back to basics, to like reset refocus. In the month of December, that was really when I poured into my own kind of perspectives of what, what, what do we need, what do I want, what would I want for this? That was the birth of a new coaching program for something that I want to roll out with Soul Saturations called Priority Partnership because I truly believe that if we can put the priority into our partnership, our partners, our love, our relationships, then we have the support system to be able to show up and do everything else that we want in life. That was absolute opposite of what was happening in our world. That was one of those kind of silver linings was I was able to get really crystal clear on what we needed and what we want and at least what I needed and wanted at that time. At this point, you weren't really into it. Priorities. I think we're aligned a little bit of a different manner. If you're not aligned with the same priorities, it's really hard to match up and have a healthy relationship.

Matt: I think like the biggest one, for me, was that you were truly prioritizing the relationship us, or we talked about that last time that you essentially became a caretaker of everything, including trying to fix our relationship and who we were. I just didn't give a at the time because I was prioritized on what my purpose, my mission me. 

It felt really good to do that, even if it was hurting you on the other end, because I thought that the means justify the end of where it was going to go. And what I meant by that was being able to stick it out longer because I felt like there was some type of an end to some type of a life in the tough, I just keep, if I just kept focusing on myself a little bit longer, I would finally reach the, the unachievable so to speak of perfection that I thought was possible. However, there really is no sense of perfection. There's just a constant work, which is what we talked about last time. It's like, you never really do finally achieve the end goal, like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there's always more work to be done. And that was a tough realization for me to have.

Kendall: At that point had so much compassion for you because I knew that you wanted to focus on yourself and prioritize yourself. And, you know, I had said that before. I was like, I've had years of pouring into my own career and being single and exploring what I wanted. Um, and you had never had that opportunity. I think that you needed that space to think through that. When we finally got together to have a conversation of where the hell was this going, I was at a point where I was like, I am not bringing this into 2021, 2020 was enough of a year.

Matt: I didn't believe in myself how to hell could I believe in you? How can I believe in us? It was impossible. I was grasping at straws in my own inner being. I couldn't figure out who the hell I was or who, or what I wanted in that moment. So yeah, at that point, no, I couldn't believe in you and that crushed my heart. Like I felt it at that time, like that heaviness in my chest but I knew that those words needed to be said because I couldn't, I couldn't choke them down anymore. That was like sitting in the back of my head. They were in that whole entire hunting trip as well. How much that hurt me. And I can only imagine how much it hurt you in the moment too.

Kendall: I think that was the moment of true shatter and that it was done. And that night I couldn't go back to my friend's house. I had to, I needed a separate space and I called my dad.

Matt: I was coming back from that hunting trip, as I got closer and closer to the house, I kind of had a picture in my head. I was expecting to see, right. I was already preparing myself. And as I backed into the driveway, there was this like that choking sensation, almost like this pure constriction throughout my entire body where I felt like I couldn't breathe. And sure enough, like when I walked up that door, it opened it up and there was nothing, it was barren in there. And it, I think it, like you said, it surpassed my expectations. And then what I was going to find, and it was just heart wrenching for me. I broke down. Like I never have before. I mean talk about sobbing. I walked around to every single room in this house. Every single bed laid in the floor, cried in every single room for hours. And at that point you had already sent the text message that you wanted 30 days of no communication

I guess, juxtaposition to my marriage at that point, because when that thing ended, I showed no emotion. I think I was so checked out for over two years on it. But with you, it was completely different. Like every single emotion and feeling was just welling up and pouring over out of me, like talk about having a headache and just burning red eyes.

Kendall:It was definitely the hardest day of my life for sure. I just sat on the floor in my room at my dad's house and sobbed for a couple hours. And then I pulled my life together and I got in the shower and I like dressed up cause it was a girlfriend's birthday. I think in that moment I found my own strength. I think it was knowing that no matter what, I'm so supported, I had friends, I had family, I had my spirit guys, but like I was, I was so supported in that moment and I knew that I had to honor myself.

I think that was the biggest lesson for us was we had to have that space to reset and I think, time stood still. It moved so slowly.

Matt: One thing that I learned, um, especially, you know, going through divorce and other relationships is that when I was alone and single, I'd done such a great job of setting up boundaries and expectations for myself. I was living my purpose and passion fulfilling my mission, really living by my values and set up some pretty strong boundaries. But then the minute that I got into a relationship, you included, they went out the window and not necessarily right away, but they would, I guess, dissolve and fade over time. And that was, that was hard for me because you up a very, very, very strong boundary on that one. And I couldn't do anything about it. No, I couldn't control it.

Kendall: You know, and I think that, that was just a beautiful opportunity. We talk a lot about the gift of contrast, but in that space I knew as much as I like, okay, you talked to Regina the day I moved my things out and Regina was like, okay, I gotta let you know this. Like, you don't really know how to say it, but he wants to talk to you and he is not doing well. I was like, okay, well I don't want to talk to him. She was so gracious to be able to help support both of us in that moment. I think when, when I really look at that space, I was able to fully show up and to fully like crack my heart open to all the things that I was really feeling. Regina gave a lot of clarity where she was like, you got to show up and be vulnerable and share that with the community and not something that she teaches.

What gave me the, the space, cause I had said 30 days, no contact, that's a rough guideline, right? I had very clearly moved through my process of where I was at. And I knew that I wasn't going to open that doorway. I wasn't going to open that lines of communication until I was fully ready and fully processed to where I needed to be. Talking to it made me get really clear on what I wanted and another one of my amazing girlfriends said, you need to know exactly what you want to hear from him. I had a pretty solid list of what I wanted from you before I was willing to open that lines of communication. I still wasn't, I didn't know if I was fully ready, but I reached out to you because I knew you were supposed to be going on a trip. I guess that was what was going through my head too, is I saw 30 days turning into potentially three month.

Matt: I was ready to have that conversation with you because I couldn't foresee myself missing the opportunity to tell you exactly how I felt and what I wanted and where I believe that we could go before I traveled.

Kendall: At that point I was like, okay, I need to know if he's going to meet me where I want, if we're going to show up and be able to reset this container and reset the container with the energy that was going to honor both of us and honor our own individual purposes.

I think when we decided to get back together, we both were in a place where we knew what we wanted and it was just whether or not we could clearly communicate and get on the same page.

You know that has always been our foundation. If we pull it back full circle to where we started those five non-negotiable values that I had very clearly purpose, communication, adventure and wellbeing, physical touch and connection to source all those things still existed. As I was looking at that, I knew that those five values for me hadn't changed and I had to just honor myself and surrender and trust that it was going to work out the way that was going to serve me best and us together.

I mean, that's the great part about relating this to sex. People have such a linear perspective of sex that you get one climax and then it's over. But really once you know how to there's multiple climaxes, there's always so much gratitude to our guidance for holding this container.

During today's episode we talk about:

  • Why it's important to get clear on your priorities in a relationship?
  • What difficult conversations did Kendall and Matt have leading up to their breakup?
  • How did friends and family support Kendall and Matt through their breakup?
  • What types of boundaries did they set around communication during their breakup?
  • How did Kendall know it was time to open up communication again? 
  • What realizations were made in order for Kendall and Matt to decide to get back together? 

Memorable Moments:

  • "If you're not aligned with the same priorities, it's really hard to match up and have a healthy relationship." - Kendall
  • "I didn't believe in myself how to hell could I believe in you? How can I believe in us? It was impossible." -Matt
  • "I think in that moment I found my own strength. I think it was knowing that no matter what, I'm so supported, I had friends, I had family, I had my spirit guides, but like I was, I was so supported in that moment and I knew that I had to honor myself." -Kendall
  • "I think that was the biggest lesson for us was we had to have that space to reset and I think, time stood still. It moved so slowly." - Kendall 
  • "One thing that I learned, um, especially, you know, going through divorce and other relationships is that when I was alone and single, I'd done such a great job of setting up boundaries and expectations for myself" - Matt
  • "If we're going to show up and be able to reset this container and reset the container with the energy that was going to honor both of us and honor our own individual purposes." -Kendall

Connect with Matt:

  • Instagram: @rootedinmvmt
  • Online: https://rooted-in-mvmnt.mykajabi.com 

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K

 

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Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

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