Episode 28: Realities, Lessons and the gift of contrast with Dr. Matt Zanis

relationships Feb 08, 2021

Realities, Lessons and the gift of contrast with Dr. Matt Zanis 

Kendall: We are tuning back in with Dr. Matthew Zanis. As we start to look at this part of our journey, we're looking at the humanity of it. You know, I think we're all human. We all have moments in life that test us and challenge us and make us who we are today. It is absolutely no surprise that there is a lot of intensity on the planet and there has been for the last year. Just to start off with a reminder that everything that's happening for you is exactly perfect for you, where you are on your journey is exactly where you're meant to be. And all of these experiences that show up for you or giving you a window into your own growth, your own evolution, and it's your curriculum that you're meant to move through. And so I think we talk a lot about lessons that we were, we have learned over the last year together. And I think that without these lessons, without this journey, we wouldn't be sitting where we are today.

I think we're going to get into them. I think when we look at working with light and tuning in as a conscious and aware human being, I think when we start to tune into the fact that we are these energetic beings, having a human experience, we tend to focus only on the good. And I think what I am really passionate about sharing, especially our story, is to be able to share the fact that where we were our low points is for a lot of people, their everyday existence.

Matt: I can't even imagine living on a daily basis. Like just the, the kind of stuff that we went through is everybody's every day, it's just, it's weird to be able to stay in that energy because imagine staying in that energy.

Kendall: That's a thing where I have so much gratitude for our present moment is that we do have the awareness to say, this is, I want something more than this. I want to be able to experience more. I mean, we live in a world of social media and Instagram, and I've shared a lot that I wasn't as vulnerable as I needed to be, but our highlight reel didn't look that bad.

Matt: We were afforded all this time together. Bought a house. Yeah. There's, there's a lot of, I mean, you got your podcast up and running, our businesses were just starting to pick up and skyrocket. But that is all surface level. Right. And there's a lot kind of going on behind the scenes that wasn't really made known to a lot of people.

Kendall: When we split up, there was a lot of people that were shocked. And I think this, that the intention of this episode is really to share shine the light on some of the day-to-day things that we were experiencing because for a lot of people, it's the every day and it's kind of that reality that people choose to sit in. And even if it's not every day, I think the, that moment of clarity that you're not alone in some of these experiences and that if you feel like you want something more know that that's possible, you absolutely can have something more if you desire.

We do that self-development work. We decide what are my values that I want in a partner and what kind of relationship do I truly desire? And then you get into a partnership and relationship and the light will shine a light on everything that is not light. Our partners, our greatest teachers, their greatest mirrors to show us where we still have work left to do.

Kendall: Tell me a little bit about high-level perspective then why did that light shine of oh fuck I thought I'd already done this.

Matt: I think a lot of this started back, like when I was nearing the end of my divorce and I was doing all the work. I was very intentional about it. I was purposely putting myself into uncomfortable situations and asking really uncomfortable questions that prompted me to, I mean, I'm a big writer, so it prompted me to journal, journal, journal a lot. And even like the beginning stages of our relationship when I was traveling a lot, I had 10 to 15 hours in a plane ride. Just literally sit with my own thoughts and why everybody else is sitting there watching the next Avengers, moving on there on my computer, in my journal, just writing out reflections. And introspections on, you know, where I felt I was at personally, but also where our relationship was that. Also elaborating on a lot of my vivid dreams that I have very sexual in nature too. So it turned out that I was actually a very good erotic novel writer as well, which is fascinating. Maybe a side gig or side hustle later on. Then come 2020 when all my travel stopped, right. When quarantine started like in February, I felt like I kind of lost a part of me, like a part of me died on the inside. And a lot of it was because I had no longer, an easy opportunity to sit my thoughts. It became that much harder than to be disciplined enough to really just sit down and make time for it. I think that was the biggest problem is yeah, sure. I could've made it happen, but I didn't, it was an excuse. Right. And I had, I told myself I didn't have time, but I really did it just where I prioritize it. That was the, that was kind of linchpin in the whole entire, um, scenario. So, you know, it's like, well, I told myself that I didn't need to do the work anymore because I was already there. We already had a great relationship at the time. You know what I mean? It was easy for me to just kind of put it to the side and not really focus on or prioritize it.

Kendall: What I really want to highlight about what you said for teaching moments, right. And you know, I think your current reality changed and for the whole planet, 2020 changed a lot of people's current reality. And so for you, you felt like you had this beautiful gift of time and space on your airplanes, which you actually literally did. That shock of no longer being able to travel no longer having that built-in protected time was a big shift. I think as we're relating this to other people, how many of you have ever felt like you don't have time to prioritize yourself and reflecting on your own thoughts and your own self development work, it does take a commitment and it takes choosing to do that.

I started Soul Saturations in 2019, but I was still doing contract work with my consulting, other consulting business through October and so on it's holidays and all the things. And so then 2021 or 2020 came and it was this, Oh, I'm on my own to build a business. And for all of my fellow entrepreneurs, entrepreneurs out there, it's not always easy to start a business. And I think I had to do a lot of that self-development work. And where I see my shift, I guess our shift, you were focusing on not having a whole lot of time and I was focusing on, oh fuck I have to build a business and what the am I doing with all my time? I have to build this business. I knew that the thing my soul was craving was deeper levels of work and deeper levels of healing because I know that the work never stops. I was like oh we got a lot of work to do and I think our current state, I was starting to see how much deeper I wanted us to go. Then here's the conflict you, weren't in a place to where you can see that.

Matt: We had a lot of conversations about how I wasn't in the place to be able to see that too. I didn't know that at the time, but I think like what it did is it, you know, I stopped, I stopped making decisions. I stopped taking action. I stopped being assertive because I didn't feel like I had the energy to do any of that again. And, um, it kind of, I think pushed you away as well, or at least kind of shifted you into more of your masculine state. Then you no longer were just like my partner, my lover and my girlfriend. You also became literally everything else. Like you were the caretaker of the house, you were the dog mom, you were like my business strategist at time, not to mention you're also building your own business or you're racing and your second business and embrace, embracing the entrepreneurial role. I was focused solely on myself and became completely apathetic towards everything else, literally everything else in the world. And that is a vicious, vicious, downward spiral of a cycle.

Kendall: I was doing a lot of work on myself, so my consciousness was rising. My awareness was rising and I was watching the separation between us grow greater and greater and greater by the moment. I think for a lot of people, I know I personally have had a lot of conversations with people, right? To pull this back into the relation of where other people are, is like I'm willing to do the work, but my partner is not willing to do the work. And that was a really hard place to be because I wanted us to do the work I wanted you to step in and do that, go back to the self-reflection and back to the self-development work and to prioritize us. But it, it has to come down to you. It had to come down to you. It has to be your own choice. And so I think for the people out there who are looking at their own partnership and they're like, I want to do the work, but my partner is not willing to. I think part of it is the way you have the conversation and the way that you approach it. And I also think that it's really honoring yourself to say, what do you need? And not necessarily put up with the longevity of things that aren't honoring you. I think we went way too long without dealing with it, which is why the apathetic frustration.

I don't think I was fully there because my mind was so distracted on everything else. Right. I think that that had a lot to do with ego as well. Like my ego said that, no, you need to stay committed to your work instead of to your kid or committed to your passion and your mission and your purpose, everything else. Like this is what you need to be doing as a man, because that's what society tells you, you should be doing. Um, but it was something that I just, I couldn't really hold for all that long. I think you start, you started to see all those little bits and pieces of the armor start to shatter and dent and fall away over the months.

Matt: One of the lessons I try to teach my clients is to be careful not to develop stories in their head around what's going on inside their body, right? Like some false narratives that we all tear up, tell ourselves based off of all this past conditioning based off of prior experiences, based off of what every told us, everybody told us we should or shouldn't be, or the way we should act, the thoughts we should have and things we should or shouldn't do. And here I was in the moment for a very long time, completely blind to that piece of advice, making up all of these false narratives in my head about our relationship and what I thought that I needed to be doing in the moment.

Kendall: I think, you know, when we look at what are the stories that people tell themselves, right. I think that is super common. I think that it's some of the stories that exist for current reality is that you don't have to be emotional and vulnerable in a relationship, or, you know, you have to focus on your career and make that a priority. I don't know what there's so many to go into, but what do you think are some of the most common stories that people tell themselves when it comes to love and relationships?

Matt: I think the first one is that it's supposed to be easy. When you, when you supposed to find the, the, you know, your twin flame or your soulmate or the one, that things aren't supposed to be difficult anymore. Like everything, things just be flowing in like beautiful colors and rainbows and unicorns and butterflies. And that's, that's probably the biggest false narrative that we are taught because then guess what, they don't have to do any work. And then my prior thoughts would be true.

Kendall: I see that a lot of time with my clients. It's like, well, this is uncomfortable. And I don't want to have to do this work. And I don't want to have to have these conversations. And those conversations are the piece that create the evolution and call up the blind spots.

A friend asked me what is, what is intimacy? What is true intimacy? And I said, it's presence, it's communication and exploration. I think where, where we were separated from that true intimacy is the presence that wasn't there. We were communicating, but the presence wasn't there and the perspective of exploration of how do I get curious about why this is showing up for me or the physical aspect of how do I actually want to be present and explore physically.

People don't see how sexuality can be that window to deeper connection and deeper intimacy. That's why you show up and do this work and I think that's why, like that year was that much harder for me. It was because it felt so out of integrity and so out of trust. I think as you're feeling those experiences, those moments, it's like, okay, you know, for me, I would pour myself into other things to give myself the temporary validation of, okay, I got this thing done and the house is clean or the Instagram post is done, or I'm going to go pour myself into my work. But it was the disconnect of what I was truly seeking. And when you're having those kinds of realizations, I think that's the window to get help to say, you don't have to do this alone and to be able to have a conversation about it. And if you don't feel like your partner is in a space to be able to have that conversation with you, that's where you hire a coach.

Matt: Sometimes you need to hit that rock bottom first to be able to grow and to be able to see into how you have actually been showing up and living your life. 

I mean the ability to grow that space between the stimulus and the response by slowing down to allow us to actually feel into the body and think deeper rather than just being reactionary and to make that conscious choice, which should be the best decision. Not only for you, but for both of us in the relationship. 

During today's episode we talk about:

  • What are the lessons that Kendall and Matt have learned over the past year?
  • Why it's important to remember that everything is happening for you?
  • Why it's important to talk and ask questions?
  • Why is self development work important before getting into a relationship?
  • What hard conversations did Kendall and Matt have before separating? 
  • Why do individuals avoid having difficult conversations? 
  • What are some of the common stories that people tell themselves when it comes to love and relationships?
  • What is true intimacy?

Memorable Moments:

  • "You know, I think we're all human. We all have moments in life that test us and challenge us and make us who we are today" - Kendall
  • "Just to start off with a reminder that everything that's happening for you is exactly perfect for you, where you are on your journey is exactly where you're meant to be. And all of these experiences that show up for you or giving you a window into your own growth, your own evolution, and it's your curriculum that you're meant to move through."-Kendall
  • "We do that self-development work. We decide what are my values that I want in a partner and what kind of relationship do I truly desire? And then you get into a partnership and relationship and the light will shine a light on everything that is not light." - Kendall
  • "What is intimacy? What is true intimacy? And I said, it's presence, it's communication and exploration." -Kendall 
  • "Sometimes you need to hit that rock bottom first to be able to grow and to be able to see into, um, how you have actually been showing up and living your life." -Matt

Connect with Matt:

  • Instagram: @rootedinmvmt
  • Online: https://rooted-in-mvmnt.mykajabi.com 

 

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K

If you loved this episode I’d deeply appreciate you subscribing and leaving a 5 star review and please share this with someone who will resonate with this episode today!
 
Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

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