Episode 49: Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Talking about Sex and Sexuality

Uncategorized Jul 05, 2021

Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Talking about Sex and Sexuality

Kelcey: Our topic for today is all about how to have the conversation about sexuality and about sex and how we can break those stigmas and get rid of the shame that society has put on us. So there's a lot to talk about today.

Kendall: I think a great place for us to start when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality is let's break down some definitions first, because I think whenever your people hear the S word, they get a little bit of freaked out and they think, oh God, we're talking about sex. We're talking about sexuality. And the other definition I like to bring up is the idea of sensuality. So let's start there and we'll, we'll like ease you in a little bit. 

Kendall: When we start to think about sensuality, the way I like to think about it is it is really connecting with your senses. Sight sound, taste, touch, smell, and really just what the energy in a space feels like. We can be really tapped in and connected to our sensuality. It's part of our human experience. It's like drinking a delicious glass of wine or feeling the sun on our face and just being present to what those sensations are. I think when we can slow down a little bit, we bring more awareness to that sensuality. So it's part of our human experience and the more awareness we can bring to it, it gives us a beautiful doorway to step into some of these more erotic sides of us. Do you have anything to add when you think about sensuality?

 Kelcey: I love and taking a minute to just let it feel good in my body and enjoy that moment. It does awaken your sexuality sometimes even though it's not a sexual act, right. I love how the two can be married together, but you can also practice them and celebrate them in their own completely different ways.

Kendall: I personally talk a lot about our sexual energy. Our sexual energy is that creative life force energy that is moving through us always. It's that passion that less, that vitality it's that energy that helps us show up in life with extra passion. Just being able to really exude who we are as human beings. I think our sexual energy is often overlooked as this thing that is separate from who we are, but our sexuality is that piece of us that is really rooted in our root center, our root chakra, that place of passion and sexual creativity.

When we show up our sexuality is who we get to be as a person who we get to show up as. So we're kind of adding in another layer when we look at sexual energy compared to sexuality, which people think about sexuality often in terms of like, what is our sexual preference? Like, how do they show up? Who are their partners? Are you in a more heterosexual or non non-heteronormative type of relationship? There are so many different ways to look at it. The thing to remember is that our sexual energy, no matter what your gender identity is, what your sexual preference is, your sexual energy is always part of who you are.

Kelcey: I love that you, that you share that so much that your sexual energy and your sexuality are just part of who you are. It's part of your core being your personality. I think, you know, kind of like you said, at the beginning of our conversation, I think so many people hear about sexuality, right? They shy away from talking about it because so often they just relate it to, you know, the act of sex to even sexual energy. I think a lot of us think of it as our energy in the bedroom, our energy during the act of sex but the truth is, is we are just sexual human beings. Like that is literally what drives us through life. I feel like I say this, every single conversation that we have, but it's because it blows my mind every time. It's like the simple fact that we are sexual human beings and we feel so ashamed of it. That sexual energy is just, we are right. And I love that. That's that that's a point that you bring up, it's part of who we are.  

Kendall: I think society puts so many labels on your sexuality and what kind of person you are. And, you know, I always like to say that our sexuality is fluid. I think, you know, we're recording this in June, it'll come out in the very beginning of July. We've just gone through pride month where we talk about LGBTQ and all inclusive types of sexuality and really making space for inclusive inclusivity and diversity. And you know, one of the things that's important to know is that our sexuality is so fluid. You can love who you want to love. And if you have a preference that is, if you are a woman and you love other women, great. Or if you're a woman and you love women and men, that's great. Or if it's not even gender specific, that's okay, too. The more that we can just make space to have these conversations, make space, to talk about it and as you said, we're naturally sexual human beings so the fact that there's so much judgment and shame that is wrapped up around these certain things, causes a lot of challenges. And even within the LGBTQ communities themselves, there's a lot of shame and stigma around different elements of that space. I've talked a lot that I support the bi community a lot and bisexual women get a lot of shame and stigma from lesbians because they have this fluidity or they have this curiosity to start to explore. When it comes to our sexuality, no, that your sexuality is fluid. It can change. You can love whoever you want to love nd if you are curious about different aspects of your sexuality, that's a pain, that's a space for you to walk into that doorway and get curious and start to explore. There's so many different things to explore that you wouldn't even know exists on the planet where I think we can talk. We could even dive in and talk about different types of eroticism as part of your sexuality and what those specific turn-ons are that just make your sex life that much more juicy and delicious.

Kelcey: I know that that is something you're super passionate about Kendall and can offer so much information. When it comes to having this conversation around sexuality, right, like why do you think that there's such shame and stigmas to begin with even just talking about sex and sexuality?

Kendall: I think this goes generations and generations past. I think that we have been raised by a society that isn't open or inclusive and like, it it's this whole space, that sex is something that is private. It's something that is intimate and to be kept between yourselves. If you look back in history at like how our sexuality has evolved,  we've become a very patriarchal male dominated society, which also has a lot of influence there. So there you'll see a lot of information that's coming out now where women are stepping up and starting to talk about like how women's bodies have been shamed and how like their reproductive systems are not fully understood. It's like here, you let's put you on birth control pills and all these things that can affect our hormones and medication and there's so much history that exists that we're trying to overcome. If we can't even have these conversations with our like medical health professionals, how do we expect to have them with our families or with our friends or any of those things? So there's so much information that we're looking to kind of rewrite the history of rewrite the story of, and it takes courage. Sexual health and wellness industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that is growing by the day because there is such a need for more information and more spaces to be able to have the conversations in general. 

Kelcey: I's interesting that we've all been made. I think men and women, but especially as women have been made to feel like we have to hide the most, the most pleasurable part of our lives. Right? Like the thing that we all can experience the most pleasure in that, that, that aspect of all of our lives that connects us all. But we feel like we can't talk about it. We have to keep it on the download. We have to keep it private and I think, you know, it's so interesting that you bring up, you know, body shame and we could talk on and on about how that just relates to low self-esteem and low self-worth and how that is even difficult to start a conversation when you're coming from that place.

Kendall: Our sexuality is the fiber of our lives. It's who we love. It's how we love. It's how we show up as humans in a physical body. You know, I think when we even start our meditation at the beginning of the call, it's like, Hey, guess what? You have a physical body and your physical body has pleasure and sensations and things that are just natural to lean in and experience that. And so when we start, start talking about the it's, I always like to give people like permission to notice how that topic like impacts people around them.

I think it's also important to notice, not only for yourself, but the people you're having conversations with, because they think a lot of times when we start to think about sexuality and maybe there's something you're curious about something that you want more information on, who do you approach? How do you have that conversation? All those different spaces, but start to notice what other people say. I'm a sex and relationship coach. That's my job title. That's how I show up in the world and so when people say that, you know, you're meeting people at a networking event, you're meeting people out and about, and they say, oh, what do you do? A simple response that I say is, I'm a sex coach. I'm a sex and relationship coach. And you'll instantly see people who are like, Ooh, tell me more about that.

But being able to notice for yourself, as you said, what is the energy that's moving through your body? What is that feeling or that sensation when you start to get curious and talk about sex and sexuality and what is the energy and the other person, is it a safe space? Are they leaning in, are they open? Are they feeling walled closed off and constructed in that moment?

Kelcey: It's important to think really about who you feel safe having those conversations with, right? Like whether that is a relationship, you feel like you need to have with a partner or a close friend, you can trust, or even if it is a mental health professional, whether it's something deep rooted and you feel like you need to go talk to a therapist about it or a sex and relationship coach, right. Like figuring out who the best person is for you to have that safe conversation with, because you want to make sure that when you do decide to have, you know, open dialogue about it, it is a safe space where you're accepted and everything that you, all the questions that you're asking, all the feelings that you're stating, you know, they're, they're seen and heard and valued because you don't want to open up to the wrong person. 

Kendall: Well, and I think too, it's important to honor the humanity and the conversation honoring the fact that this, this topic may make people uncomfortable.

You know, that's something I talk about all the time is we always want to go in to these conversations with the best intentions, really starting to understand why we're having the conversations. How do we want to go about it so we can make sure that the impact is powerful, but it's also recognizing that it's okay. If you feel uncomfortable having this conversation, it's okay to honor that humanity for yourself and say, this is kind of an uncomfortable subject for me to talk about. I'm feeling a little bit like I've got some curiosity, I've got some questions. I'm not sure how this is going to land with you, but I would really like to be able to ask you some questions. I'd love to be able to share what's on my heart right now. So when you can honor that humanity, before you have the conversation, it helps just make everybody's walls go down. It helps make everybody feel comfortable and be like, oh, okay. Yes, this is an uncomfortable conversation.

Kelcey: The more often you have those conversations, the easier it gets and the less uncomfortable the conversation becomes and the more comfortable it becomes to really talk more and explore more about what it is that you really want to know or express how you feel and you can get even deeper.

Was there a person that you can remember was the first person that you actually talked about sex or sexuality with like,? Like, do you have someone you can remember, like that was the first person you actually started because obviously it's a huge part of your life now, and you can talk about it with anyone anywhere at the time, but like, who was that first person, you know, who you decided I'm gonna have this conversation and see what they think, you know?

Kendall: I feel really blessed that I was always able to talk about sex and sexuality with my dad. He was always super open. Um, my dad is kind of that like fun, loving hippy spirit, like grew up in the early seventies and smoked weed and dressed in bell-bottoms and was best dressed in his high school and all the things. You know, I always, I feel really grateful that I could always have those conversations with him. So like talking about sex wasn't uncomfortable. Even when I was really young, we would be watching movies that were probably not appropriate for how old I was, but it's fine. We would like, people would talk about sex. They would talk about their sexuality. Like I can remember watching Austin Powers with my dad and like cracking up thinking this movie is absolutely hilarious.

For me, it was always something that was really comfortable and I remember as I started getting more sexually curious myself, it was talking to my girlfriends about it and like, you know, early middle school or even before middle school, we were talking about it. I think a couple of people that like I felt safe talking to was one of my mom's good friends felt really safe for me to talk to because she was open about it and it wasn't my mom. It wasn't like awkward. I think being able to find those key people in your life and look back on that, like really gives you this, the safe container to be able to have the conversation.

Kelcey: I know for me, that person was my best friend who is basically like my sister. We met when we were two years old, so we just kind of grew up together. And, um, I never really talked to my parents with my parents about sexuality at all. Now, now they, they know what I do and I just don't really, I'm going to talk about it if I want to talk about it. Right. And, and they accept it. Um, but it, I felt really lucky to have someone to kind of figure things out with, right. Like, and it's not like, I mean, she was my age. It's not like she gave me answers to anything, but we could talk it. We were a safe space for each other. Right. And then, you know, years later I found a therapist who I felt so comfortable talking openly about sex and sexuality with. Um, and I wanted to ask you that because I think it's, it's interesting, like yours was your dad. Mine is my best friend. I also felt safe with the therapist. So there's no like right. One person to go to and have this conversation with. Right. Like it's whoever you feel like is a safe space for you, which is what we talked about.

Kendall: I also think when we start to really look at those conversations that we're having is what kind of conversations are you having and where is that coming from? So I, I brought up Austin Powers movies. Like when we think about movies and TV and what we learn about sex and sexuality from the media and different outlets, guess what? It's not always correct. And it's not like, um, you know, I think it's so funny. My friend, Heidi booshie, she's a great relationship coach for those of you who know Heidi B, but she always talks about like the L-shape sheets in the movies where it's like the sheets cover the women's boobs. But remember the man's like waste. And she's like, where do I get these L-shaped sheets? Like what, where does that come from? But we watch, like when we'd go back to movies and things, we see this acting portrayal of what sex and relationships looks like, what sexuality is. It's very heteronormative. When we look at most TV movies, it's not super inclusive. It's definitely not very diverse.

Kelcey: They don't show the conversations they're having about sex or about sexuality or all the other things that go into it to make it actually be sustainable in real life.

Kendall: Be really cautious in the types of conversations you have when it comes to sex and sexuality, like changing your perspective of me and there are so many great people out there to date. There are so many amazing men. There are so many amazing women, whatever your preference is, but shifting those conversations will help your experience feel differently. And I have a whole podcast on it, on the energetics of dating. If you want more, you can dive in. I don't remember what episode number it is, but I dive into that a lot because we have to be aware when we talk about sex and sexuality, we create our reality. If you're like, my sex life is terrible. Guess what your sex life is going to be continued terrible.

The more that we can speak into existence, that sexuality is natural and beautiful and your divine birthright. Like the more that we speak that into existence, the more we create spaces for these conversations, the way, the more that we make it okay. To talk about the better it will. And that becomes our reality. I get really excited when I see other people in the world of sexual health and wellness that are having these conversations. And so let's speak it into existence. Let's make this our reality.

Kelcey: Let's start making it our reality. That's create more safe spaces to have these conversations, to give you the tools and steps that you can take, right. To figure out how you even begin to have these conversations. So I love that. I feel like that can lead into what we feel like our action steps should be.

During today's episode we talk about:

  • What is sensuality and how is it connected to our senses?
  • How can we tap into our sensuality?
  • What is sexual energy? 
  • How can be find pleasure in our everyday lives?
  • Why are there stigmas and shame around talking about sex and sexuality? 
  • Why is it important to have conversations around sex and sexuality?

Memorable Moments:

  • "When we start to think about sensuality, the way I like to think about it is it is really connecting with your senses. Sight sound, taste, touch, smell, and really just what the energy in a space feels like. We can be really tapped in and connected to our sensuality. It's part of our human experience. It's like drinking a delicious glass of wine or feeling the sun on our face and just being present to what those sensations are. I think when we can slow down a little bit, we bring more awareness to that sensuality." -Kendall
  • "I love and taking a minute to just let it feel good in my body and enjoy that moment. It does awaken your sexuality sometimes even though it's not a sexual act, right. I love how the two can be married together, but you can also practice them and celebrate them in their own completely different ways." -Kelcey
  • "Our sexuality is the fiber of our lives. It's who we love. It's how we love. It's how we show up as humans in a physical body." -Kendall

Connect with Kelcy:

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K 

If you loved this episode I’d deeply appreciate you subscribing and leaving a 5 star review and please share this with someone who will resonate with this episode today!
 
Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

Let's Connect!

Close

50% Complete

Two Step

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.