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Episode 44: Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Giving and Receiving Oral Sex

Uncategorized May 31, 2021

Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Giving and Receiving Oral Sex

Kendall: Welcome to the sexy soul series. I'm Kendall Merritt, your host of the soul saturations podcast and I'm Kelsey Valleta host of the find your sexy podcast.

Today, we're talking about oral sex baby.

I am so big about having that self-reflection and diving deeper into the purpose behind things and oral sex is not just putting a mouth around and reaching an orgasm. There's so much more to it than that. Start off at journey, start off that self-reflection about what your beliefs are with oral sex and so that's something that I think you and I wanted to start off by talking about is we talked a lot in school about the sex talk, right. But we don't necessarily get to the conversation about oral sex. What was your experience with that? How did that start for you? What was your journey? And then I'd be happy to share mine.

Kelcey: I mentioned like you get the sex talk in school, right and it's not at all, of course in school about pleasure. You're learning about the anatomy of the male body, the female body, how babies are made, like it's sex is explained to you for the first time and very much that way. Right. You know, unless you have parents who are diving deeper into those conversations, which I think a lot of us didn't, I mean, I don't want to assume, but I think a lot of us didn't have that type of conversation with anybody growing up. It's very interesting. You know, I was reflecting on how I used to feel about oral sex. And it's funny because even just a couple of years ago, I would not have wanted to have this conversation on such a public platform.

I feel like you have to talk about it when you're talking about oral sex, because masturbation is what helps you understand what feels good for you. You know, even though you're not performing oral sex on yourself of course, but it still helps you understand what makes you feel good when you are experience when you are receiving that from a partner or somebody else in the bedroom. I know for me, like, I didn't really know there was a technique to giving a blow job. Like I just thought, okay, it goes in my mouth. Like, I don't really know. Like I used to just kind of do my thing and I'm like, okay, eventually like it'll happen. Right? And then I would like, wait for it to happen. Like I can't wait for this to be over and it actually took a man being patient with me and explaining actually, and having that open conversation, it was a man I was in a relationship with.

I want to be a good giver but I had no idea what I was doing. We had that open conversation and then, you know, all it took was some adjustments and I realized, wow, okay, I'm actually really great at this. I was excited to give, because I knew that it was kind of like this skill I had acquired and of course, when you care about somebody or you're attracted to somebody or whatever relationship you have, whatever sexual relationship it might be, you want to be a good giver. Right. So you would think so. Yeah. You would think so. I would hope so. Um, and I just thought it was so interesting. Like why, why didn't we talk about this? Like why, like, why are I feel like women are even ashamed to talk about it amongst their girlfriends. Right. So, I mean, now I'm that person and I'm sure you are too.

How often are you having sex? How often are you having oral sex? Like what, you know, what, what's the situation and start talking about it. Like, I feel like we have to normalize the conversation so we can be more confident givers and be more confident with receiving as well.

Kendall: I think it's interesting to reflect on what your journey was with sex education being anatomically based. My sex education, I went to 13 years of Catholic school. There was no anatomy and there was no, none of the babies are made. I got none of it. It was don't have sex or you're going to hell or you're going to get STDs or you're going to get pregnant and so I think looking at the spectrum of sexual education that exists across the board is there are still today the major, major gaps. In the summer camps that I would coach for girls 12 to 17, we would always do a day where we would talk about sex and talk about, we would bring in a gynaecologist or some sort of like sexual wellness doctor so that people could ask questions.

Every single year we would get a question of like, what's a blow job. Not even how do I give a blow job, but just what is a blow job? That just goes to show the gap in education, that gap in the conversations around this element of our sexuality. And I love that you were kind of bringing up some of the common perspectives that people talk about. There's the perspective that oral sex is meant to be something that is only experienced pleasure by the person who's receiving it. I think that's a huge difference is when we start to look at that gap of like, you can enjoy giving it.

As you said, you kind of had to go through that journey of like actually learning some adjustments and some tips and tricks and skills to really improve that, to be better, a better giver so that you experience more pleasure. And then I definitely, um, am really, that's why I always invite people to reflect on like, what are your beliefs? How do you feel about oral sex? Because of course when we're doing it, one of the things to remember is that we should be enjoying it. You should never do something that doesn't feel good for you. So if you feel like giving head giving oral sex, because it's something that you have to do, you should stop right then and there because that's not the right mind frame to start it off with so really connect with your own self, to be able to say, why am I doing this?

Kelcey: You said like it's taken a lot to get there and when I first like my first oral sex experience, my first giving head experience, I was like, okay, great. Here's this car? What the do I do with it? Like, we don't know what we don't know, but there are so many tips and tricks and things that you can do to make it enjoyable. But I think it always starts with that reflection part first is like, why do you want to do it? Why do you want to give, why do you want to receive? And as you said, like the masturbation piece, we can talk about oral sex without masturbation, because you have to know what feels good for you and if you're not touching yourself, you're gonna bring in a whole bunch of shame about somebody putting their mouth on your genitals. Like, doesn't matter man, or woman, if you have a Volvo or you have a, like either way, having that connection with yourself will allow you to relax and lean into that space where you can actually feel good about receiving.

I think when we look, when we, a lot of people talk about oral sex, it's often about the giver. Like you're talking about the act of giving head. Oh, I think it's just as important to talk about the act of receiving oral sex. Do you want to go in there?

Kelcey: We have a lot of shame based around these things, which is so great that I love that you encourage everybody to stop and reflect on what your beliefs are. Right. And like where they come from. I feel like when it comes to, uh, giving head right. Oral sex, I feel like for a lot of women it's, especially with like the media and what we're made to believe growing up is that you're immediately a. Right? Like it's what do. Then, so then we feel like when we're in an intimate partnership, like it feels, it, it feels dirty instead of, we don't think of it as like a tool to connect us further and to strengthen our relationships. We almost think of it as this shameful dirty act and it's really, I feel like learning to disconnect from those beliefs that we've been taught or tried to be made to believe. Right. Um, and seeing when it, when it comes to receiving oral sex, which I know you're going to dive into, but, um, like taking away any shame, any shame that might be connected to receiving oral sex and know that like, it's okay for you to enjoy it and also communicate how you feel and what you do enjoy because that's only going to make it better.

Kendall: Look at your partner. If you're in a, obviously I'm referring in a hetero relationship right now, but if you are giving oral sex to a man, tell him his is sexy. Like I love the shape of your. I love how it feels. Like if you want to say like, I love how hard it is. I love that it's like big and girthy, whatever feels most natural to you. Like men love hearing that just as much as we should love hearing that about our policies too. To be in a state of receiving is like to feel like all encompass love and it's not just like when you're receiving it, shouldn't just be about like, okay, how quickly can I get to this goal of orgasm? But it's about like slowing down, appreciating the subtle sensations and really getting to the point to where you can just like luxuriating in the state of pleasure and being able to receive and so I think a lot of times people look at oral sex specifically from a goal perspective of like, okay, I like I'm going to suck his until he in my mouth.

If you're going to use this for a state of connection and pleasure, it's going to be a completely different experience and the more that you can reflect on it and look at it and then as you said, have a conversation about it. Like before you have a in your mouth, like don't talk to him and be like, what do you want this to be?

Kelcey: You know, I've talked to more women than I probably would have realized that aren't comfortable receiving oral sex and a lot of times it comes back to, you know, insecurities about their body or the way that they look or  you know, self doubt or that they don't even feel deserving of it. Right. It's like even just being patient with yourself.

I think so much of it comes back to reflection and communication and you know, I don't think a couple really focusing on and committing to communicating about oral sex and being better givers and receivers. I don't think it's ever made the relationship worse. Oh, right. Like it's, I mean, sex is such a huge part of any intimate relationship and it really can get you through so much if you really focus on connecting with each other and in those moments and being vulnerable enough to have those conversations of how it can be better for both of you and how you can make that space more safe and trusting and enjoyable. Right. I mean, it's like, you want, you want it to be enjoyable. So I love that we're talking about all these things because it's, it's stuff that I want women to feel empowered, to have conversations with their partners about or reflect, take some time to reflect in and have a conversation with themselves about what their, what their hang ups are and what they can do to, uh, let go of some of those and just take their power back, like take, take your power back and you know, like be the giver you want to be and the receiver as well.

During today's episode we talk about:

  • Why do people have shame around oral sex?
  • How does sex education lack in terms of talking about pleasure?
  • Why is it important to reflect on why you're giving oral sex?
  • Why is it important to have your own self-pleasure practice?

Memorable Moments:

  • "Start off at journey, start off that self-reflection about what your beliefs are with oral sex" -Kendall 
  • "How often are you having sex? How often are you having oral sex? Like what, you know, what, what's the situation and start talking about it. Like, I feel like we have to normalize the conversation so we can be more confident givers and be more confident with receiving as well." -Kelcey
  • "You should never do something that doesn't feel good for you. So if you feel like giving head giving oral sex, because it's something that you have to do, you should stop right then and there because that's not the right mind frame to start it off with so really connect with your own self, to be able to say, why am I doing this?" -Kendall
  • "then we feel like when we're in an intimate partnership, like it feels, it, it feels dirty instead of, we don't think of it as like a tool to connect us further and to strengthen our relationships. We almost think of it as this shameful dirty act and it's really, I feel like learning to disconnect from those beliefs that we've been taught or tried to be made to believe." -Kelcey
  • "If you don't appreciate that for yourself, how can you receive that? So getting to a place where you're so comfortable and confident with your own body" -Kendall
  • "I think so much of it comes back to reflection and communication and you know, I don't think a couple really focusing on and committing to communicating about oral sex and being better givers and receivers. I don't think it's ever made the relationship worse." - Kelcey

Connect with Kelcy:

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K 

If you loved this episode I’d deeply appreciate you subscribing and leaving a 5 star review and please share this with someone who will resonate with this episode today!
 
Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

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