Episode 40: Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Validation and Acknowledgement

Uncategorized May 03, 2021

Sexy Soul Series with Kelcy Valletta: Validation and Acknowledgement

Kendall: We are so excited to bring you the second episode of our Sexy Soul Series.

Kelcy: For this episode, we are talking all about acknowledgement and validation, the difference between where that comes from internally and externally, if you're single, or if you're dating someone, I know that there's so much in this area and that Kendall and I both can offer so many different perspectives.  I'm just curious, like, what are the first thoughts that come up for you when it comes to acknowledgement and validation and the difference between finding that internally and externally?

Kendall: I think one of the things that I absolutely love to start it off with is if you feel like you want more acknowledgement or validation, guess what you're normal, you're human like that is such a normal desire is to feel acknowledged, to feel validated, to feel appreciated. So I think first of all, just removing the shame, removing the judgment, removing the guilt from the desire that exists of being acknowledged because you're so worthy of all the acknowledgement and all the validation like you like, just to feel that in the core of your being is really the foundation for this work, whether you're single or dating internal or external, whatever that looks like. I think just first of all, anchoring that as the foundation is to know that you're worthy of the acknowledgement you're worthy of the validation and if you're desiring more, that's okay. You're normal. That's human.

Kelcy: Also like what that brought up for me listening to you describe that was also like, knowing that you're worthy of giving it to yourself, right? Like it's not selfish or, conceded or whatever. All these, you really, you brought up the word shame to acknowledge ourselves and validate how we're feeling. And instead of waiting for other people to always give us that acknowledgement and that validation. I know, you know, I was the one who brought up this topic and was like, I would love to talk about this idea because I was in a long-term relationship and that ended. Then I found myself single and I found myself realizing that anything I wanted to feel from somebody else, I had the power to give to myself. Right. Like all that acknowledgement and, um, just feeling sexy, right? I didn't need to wait, wait around and have somebody else tell me that I'm sexy. I was like, how do I really truly believe this from the inside out first? Like, what can I do to feel this way deep, deep in my soul and know it. It's not like I'm not blushing. If somebody else tells me my response is like, thank you.

Kendall: Well, and I think that's one of the things that we really landed on with this conversation was when you're in a long-term relationship or a relationship you're dating somebody, it's like, you get dressed up for date night. You like put on your sexy little black dress. You put the heels on, you put in all this effort to get ready. And like the expectation, or maybe not expectation is that you're going to be complimented. Right? Like, so partner, when you show up as like, baby, you look fly and it feels good. And it fills you up and it like lifts your spirit. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, I do look good. That's okay. But then when we're not in partnership, when we're not dating, we're not in a relationship, there's just as much desire for us to look good and feel good and to really embody that in all of our energy, and we're not going to be getting it from somebody else. So how do we start to give that for ourselves? I think when we look at this, like external validation, it often comes in the form of compliments. And one of the things I love that you said is being able to just say, thank you. How many times do people compliment us and be like, girl, you look good today or, Oh, I love your outfit or you look so pretty, or your energy is just so vibrant. And we're like, Oh yeah, but, but, but, but, and then we start to minimize the compliment rather than just saying, thank you. I'm fully receiving that. Part of our energy when we're looking to do that on an internal perspective is to just receive that, like, to really, when we look at this dichotomy of we're putting forth the effort to look good, feel good, whatever that is. And that doesn't necessarily mean like putting on all the makeup and putting on a big, fancy dress. It could be rolling out of bed in the morning and you haven't washed your face yet and your hair's all up, but still being able to say, Oh, like I get to show up as me. I'm doing the work I'm putting in the effort to be me and radiate as myself. It's okay to receive the gratitude. And that's where you're creating a container for yourself to feel that.

Kelcy: You say, it's okay to just receive and say, thank you because you know, something else that came up for me, that drives me crazy. This drives me so crazy. Is that when I give someone a compliment and I give compliments that I genuinely mean, and the response is, Oh, thanks, you too. Right. Or like, Oh my gosh, you are so beautiful. Oh, thanks. Often it's a way for us to, in a way deflect the, the compliment that we just received, it's like, thank you. Oh my gosh, let me give you the same compliment. Take the attention off of me. I'm going to be polite and tell you the exact same thing where like, unless you genuinely mean it, then yes. Please return the compliment. It's also okay. Just to, to sit there and receive and say, thank you and accept a compliment. Right. It's totally okay.

Kendall: As women are so societies and conditioned to think that if we receive compliments or we receive that acknowledgement, then we're conceited, as you said earlier. I used to coach girls leadership camps for girls 12 to 17. This was an exercise that I did with my girls was you guys got to stand in a circle and the inner circle would be the receiving of the compliments. And the external circle would be the ones giving the compliments. The only instruction and the whole interactive was give a genuine compliment deeper than just, Oh, your hair is really pretty, or I like your shirt, but to teach the foundation of your energy is radiant. Or I loved how you stood up for me the other day, like really deep, genuine compliments and acknowledgements. The only instruction was then to just say, thank you and even at 12 years old, we already have that conditioning to be like, Oh no, no, no. Or, Oh, but yes, you too. And so the more that we can embody that and live that example with each other, as women is so, so powerful. But I think the key is then how do we bring that into our partnerships and our relationships? How do we start to bring that when we're dating or maybe don't have a partner.

Kelcy: I think that, you know, that's such a, that's such a great exercise that you're doing with, with young girls and like, how do we kind of take that practice and take it into, you know, our everyday life with ourselves, right. Instead of w when we're giving ourself a genuine compliment, or when we feel proud of ourselves, or we look in the mirror and we have this moment of like, you look so good, like I'm looking really, really good today. Like then not following that up with, but this, or then picking something else apart just genuinely like, okay. Yeah. Like I'm going to end it at that and we're going to just soak all of that, that good energy and love in, and that's okay.

Kendall: I think a foundation of that is feeling that internal sense of worthiness that internal, like I am so worthy. I am perfect as I am. And I think to take a moment to just acknowledge that our physical containers, our bodies are the one body that we're going to get in this lifetime. That's like, that's our gift. Your shoulders giving yourself the gratitude of like, I love my shoulders because they allow me to stand tall and carry myself with a presence as I walk through life or I love my smile because it helps me just radiate that energy from within. So when we start to look at giving ourselves that internal validation and acknowledgement, maybe it's not just focusing on the physical parts, but it's really tying it into why do I love this part of me? Like, I love my breasts because they are an extension of my HeartSpace like that little bit of extension into your acknowledgement and validation can bring more purpose and more meaning and more depth to your practice.

Kelcy: Imagine how much more meaning and depth that can also bring into your relationships. Right? Like whether it is your partner or, you know, a friendship, whatever, just being able to fully acknowledge and even explain why you love something about someone. 
How has that been in relationships in your life?

Kendall: I think it's been absolutely a game changer because I've realized that by having a really healthy practice for myself, of making myself feel good, I can then give my love as a gift to somebody else. To my partner, like I know that it feels really good to focus on that deeper meaning of why I feel worthy, why I feel appreciated, why I feel really acknowledged for how I show up as a human being that I want to be able to give that same love as a gift to my partner. Making it just as much a consistent practice as I do for myself as I do for my partner. What's one thing that you can give intentional, thoughtful, loving, acknowledgement to your partner, to share one that you trust about them, or one thing that you love about them. So you're getting into those deeper layers of why, you know, there's always that like traditional sayings when I am consulting in business, that people who feel appreciated will go further than somebody who's not. The more that you can share that appreciation, share that acknowledgement, especially in partnership, just make it part of your daily practice. Then you're not consistently wondering like, Oh, how does my partner feel about me? And so one of the things that my partner and I do every single night as we're laying in bed before, like I'm tucked up into my little nook where I sleep every night and my partner's arms, and as we're going to sleep, we, we shared daily gratitude practice. So what's one thing that we're so grateful for in the moment of that day, just to like anchor that in as the last thing we say to each other before we go to sleep.

Kelcy: As you're describing your experience, I realized that my experience has kind of been the opposite of yours or not the opposite, but it happened backwards. Like for me, I was in a relationship with a man who told me all the time, how sexy I was. And he truly believed, like I was the sexiest thing to walk the planet and I hadn't done the work yet to feel that way on my own. I loved that. He thought it was so sexy. Right. But I hadn't done the work to really understand why I felt sexy or what made me feel sexy. When that relationship ended, I kind of realized like, wow, I've spent so much of my time. Rally defining how I feel based on somebody else's view of me instead of my own. That's when I realized like, wow, I got to really do the work. And I got to figure out what makes me feel, you know, confident. And of course I keep using the word sexy since that's my thing, but you know, all the things, right? Like what, what, what do I love about myself? And I kind of had to rediscover that being on my own, which I love now, obviously it's changed me as a human being. What I love about that is that now the next relationship I go into, I can, I can fill their cup because my cup is full and I've done the work now, like you explained, right? Like you're able to have such a stronger partnership because you have done the work to figure out what makes you, you and what you love about yourself and why.

Kendall: When we look at doing the work, it's a constant journey. Some of these like programmings and us for lifetimes and so it's not like it ever stops. Right. If I'm trying to fully embody this belief that I am worthy of love and affection and all of these things, I have to continue that work every single day, just as much as I want to do that with my partnerships. I would say if you're in partnership and you're, you're seeking more acknowledgement or validation, I would say for like to start off, give yourself two weeks of consistently acknowledging and appreciating your partner, the person that you're dating on a deeper level and see what the energy is. So before we just say, I really want you to give me more acknowledgement or validation, right. Clearly communicating instead, just try giving your acknowledgement as a gift first and see what the impact is, see how that reciprocation can change just by setting the intention of like, okay, I'm going to believe this for myself. I'm going to give the acknowledgement and validation to my partner as a gift. And then just see what happens. See if that shifts and let us know. If you start to feel more acknowledged or appreciated from your partner.

Kelcy:What a great, what a great idea, right? Like instead of asking, why don't we give first and see what changes around us? Then I will say for any, anyone who's single listening since this is my perspective, too. If you're, if you're trying to figure out how you can build, you know, more internal validation and confidence, and you're working on your own, you know, self love, and self-esteem start with self affirmations in the mirror. I know that if you're not used to this practice, it might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but it will be easier. The more that you do it. I literally want you to stand in front of your mirror and look yourself in the eyes and say out loud, what you love about yourself and why acknowledge those things. And, you know, it can change from day to day, but do it every single day. We'll say, I love, I loved your little challenge Kendall for two weeks, do it every single day. And just see how your, how your internal dialogue changes after committing to that practice. Because that is really powerful when you're giving that energy outward back into yourself. Right. You're speaking it out into, into the universe, into the mirror and you're receiving it back in. Just believe it. Don't judge yourself, no judgment allowed and see what happens.

Kendall: Mirror work is so powerful. It's like that giving and receiving, um, yeah. And just feel it like when you're done close your eyes and like soak that energy into your body. So you can like bookmark that energy in your physical body. What does it feel like to be like, I am confident. I am sexy. I am, I've got beautiful breasts. My lips are gorgeous because I can speak my truth confidently, whatever those things are, but then like close your eyes and feel that energy moving through your body that gives you that imprint so that you can go back and go back to it. When you feel like you're, maybe I'm not feeling great about myself or, Oh my God, these jeans are too tight and they are not as flattering as I thought they were going to be. It's like, okay, pause, wait, why now I can go back to that same energy that I've cultivated. And as you said, do it every day, it changes your internal dialogue. That will help you shift, but have that thing to go back to when you're feeling out of balance or not as stable and confident in your normal energy.

Kelcy: I think what's so interesting about our conversation for this episode is, you know, you realize that you need to, you need to have that, that internal acknowledgement and validation for yourself, you know, period for going through life for taking care of yourself first. Then you, I feel like you can see and understand through our conversation, how much that impacts your relationship with your significant other or any, you know, any other close, close person in your life and what would that can do for a partnership as well.

Kendall: I think it's also looking at, you know, even if you're not in partnership, you can still give authentic, real validation and acknowledgement to other people. It could be somebody walking down the street, it could be your friends or your family and so that act of giving that as a gift will still automatically like speak to the universe that you are worthy and want to receive that it like honors and ties in that same desire. Being able to do that, whether that's your partner or whether that's somebody else, it's just still a, it's still that energetic speak to the universe to say, okay, I think this is something that I want, this is something I desire. And this is something that I deserve.

Kelcy: I used to not want to speak to people. I didn't know, even if I wanted to compliment them and it felt so uncomfortable and about a year ago I made the decision. Like, no, if I, if I love something about somebody, whether I know them or not, I'm, I'm going to tell them, like, why wouldn't I, why I tell them and give them a compliment. I know when you and I met a couple of weeks ago, we met at this wine bar and had this gorgeous server and I was, she walked away and I was like, Kendall, she's gorgeous. I need to tell her she's so pretty. Like, you're beautiful and like she lit up and she was like, thank you so much. And you could just see how, um, how touched she really was by that compliment. Right. Because like, I didn't, I didn't need to say it.I could have just thought that instead it to you and not, not told her. Right. But, but who knows what she's going through in life right now. Right? Like who knows what she thinks about herself? Like, I just think that if you really genuinely love something about someone or admire something or touched by something or inspired by them in any way, why not tell them why not tell them and, and, you know, give them that, that, you know, extra, it is external validation, but, but why not? You know, because it can really just totally affects someone's day.

Kendall: As you said, like, she totally lit up from the inside out of just like, wow, thank you and that's that like, pay it forward, right? When you leave a compliment to somebody and it's really genuine, authentic, powerful from the heart, right. Really speaking from the heart, that person is going to feel your authenticity. And that's like your, if you think about the universe and the energy world, you're like depositing positive energy into your energetic bank account. Like, I love that. You're just like adding energy into your positive bank account. And like that just expands out. That helps build positive karma. Like we're all here with a karmic life journey. And so why not do things that we can give love, like to be love as a gift to others. And so just because it's an external compliment, it doesn't mean that it's not valuable and it's not powerful. You're still getting that positive, energetic deposited into your energy piggy bank, essentially.

Kelcy: Like the more love and light we give, the more there is to go around. Whether, you know, whether it comes back to us the way we think it will or not, right. Like the energy of the universe doesn't lie so why not put more love and light into it? I love that so much.

Kendall: One of my, um, spiritual teachers years ago would tell us when we were catching our internal thoughts. Like if you made a comment of like I hate my in those jeans. You're like, Nope, stop, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel. Cause you don't want that negative energy going back into your energetic bank account. You're like, Oh, cancel that. Nope. Okay. And then immediately send it some love of like, okay, I feel great. I feel sexy. I feel confident, whatever that thing is, but when can catch that internal dialogue and that's what your mirror practice of speaking your affirmations in the mirror will help you with is you can already have some of those positive affirmations in your back pocket so that when you catch yourself in that negative self-talk negative energy loop, you can say, Oh wait, shoot canceled. That's not the energy I want to show up with. This is actually true. I am sexy. I am confident I am radiant. And then when you can speak that as your truth, energetically, that's, what's going to mag magnify and radiate into the world

Kelcy: What do we want our action step to be?

Kendall: We've started off with like embodying knowing that you are worthy of compliments, like breathe that in, feel that, and really start to just know in your physical body, what that feels like to believe it. We talked about energy or mirror work with your energetic affirmations of like yourself affirmations and mantras. We've talked about giving compliments and acknowledgement as a gift. Really taking those compliments deeper than just surface level, but why you love something or why you appreciate something. Um, and we said that that could work for partners or anybody else. Then we also talked about like canceling your negative self-talk and I love giving compliments as just like a positive, energetic deposit.

Kelcy: Those are big things. So pick one and maybe so you get to choose your action step. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess, you know, listening to all of those things, something's got to kind of pull at your heart, you know, or stand out as something that you feel like is needed in your life right now, or something that, you know, you could benefit from if you work on it. So figure out what that is. You know, whether you are in a partnership or not like figure out what what's going to, uh, add more validation. I love, I love that we keep bringing up this, this energy and love into the universe. Like what's going to bring more love into your universe and figure out what that is.

Kendall: What's going to bring more love into your universe, figure out what that is and pick one action step.

During today's episode we talk about:

  • What is the difference between acknowledgement and validation?
  • Why it is ok to receive and say thank you?
  • How can you embody compliments? 
  • What is mirror work? 
  • How can consistent acknowledgement impact your relationships? 
  • Why is it important to give love and light? How does that energy come back to you?
  • Why is it important to cancel negative self talk? 

Memorable Moments:

  • "I think one of the things that I absolutely love to start it off with is if you feel like you want more acknowledgement or validation, guess what you're normal, you're human like that is such a normal desire is to feel acknowledged, to feel validated, to feel appreciated...I think just first of all, anchoring that as the foundation is to know that you're worthy of the acknowledgement you're worthy of the validation and if you're desiring more, that's okay. You're normal. That's human." Kendall
  • "I'm doing the work I'm putting in the effort to be me and radiate as myself. It's okay to receive the gratitude. And that's where you're creating a container for yourself to feel that." Kendall
  • "We're all here with a karmic life journey. And so why not do things that we can give love, like to be love as a gift to others. And so just because it's an external compliment, it doesn't mean that it's not valuable and it's not powerful. You're still getting that positive, energetic deposited into your energy piggy bank, essentially." -Kendall
  • "the more love and light we give, the more there is to go around. Whether, you know, whether it comes back to us the way we think it will or not, right. Like the energy of the universe doesn't lie so why not put more love and light into it?" -Kendall 

Connect with Kelcy:

In light, in love, and in gratitude, K 

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Find out more on my website: www.soulsaturations.com

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